I skipped work to stalk him.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
