when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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