i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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