Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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