Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
