before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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