just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
