I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
