i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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