I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
