If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
