I met the friendliest cop last night
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
