Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
