I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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