I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
