Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
