I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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