I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
