if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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