Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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