If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
