Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
