Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
