peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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