Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
