It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
