I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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