My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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