Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
