i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
