I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
