Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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