There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Less talking, more tequila
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
