your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she told me i tasted like america
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
