Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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