Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
