Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
