I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
