My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
