Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
