it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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