weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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