i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
