and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
