Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
