why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
