When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
