some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
