Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Send help, water and tortillas.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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