how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
