im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can vaginas get frostbite?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
