my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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