It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
